Where Have All the Men Gone? Rediscovering the Healthy Masculine in Modern Times

The Disappearance of the Healthy Masculine: What’s Happening?

Over the past few years, I’ve noticed a recurring topic of conversation—the concern that men are losing touch with their masculinity. This discussion has emerged in dialogues with both men and women, and it’s a concern I’ve experienced while mentoring others. I decided to dive deeper into it. My intention was to learn, to come from a place of curiosity and to understand better.

Men today seem uncertain about how to embody their masculine energy in a healthy way. We live in a world where traditional masculinity is often demonized, labeled as toxic, controlling, aggressive, overbearing. Many men feel uncertain about how to express their natural strengths without facing judgment and ridicule. How did we arrive at this crossroads?

In today’s world, constant external stimulation and distractions—like social media and online dating—make it easy to lose connection with our inner selves. The endless options and overconsumption of external influences often lead both men and women to sacrifice their authenticity in an effort to “fit in.” Communication has also shifted, with texting becoming the dominant form of interaction. This has replaced the richness of voice or face-to-face conversations, where tone and body language add much needed context. As a result, connections have become shallow, inconsistent, and incomplete. Behaviors like ghosting leave people searching for closure on their own, fostering confusion and disconnection in both personal and professional relationships.

Regarding the loss of healthy masculinity, several factors emerge. The growing presence of women in the workforce has led many women to adopt masculine energy, leaving some men feeling displaced at work or home. A male colleague once shared his view that women now often take on the assertive role in pursuing relationships, which he believes has made men less motivated to “earn” their place as a partner. Additionally, many men are hesitant or unsure how to begin the inner work needed to heal past wounds and grow. For some, the fear of confronting painful emotions or being perceived as weak becomes a barrier to progress.

In this article, we’ll take a deeper dive into the masculine and feminine energies, how each energy shows up, explore unhealthy and healthy masculine traits, touch on the often overlooked concept of integration and conclude with action steps to balance these energies.

Every individual, regardless of gender, possesses both energies. The question isn’t whether we have them but whether they are balanced. When these energies are in harmony, they create a dynamic polarity that fosters growth, connection, and fulfillment. But what happens when this balance is lost? And how can we restore it?

Understanding the Feminine and Masculine Energies

At their core, masculine energy is about action, structure, and protection, while feminine energy emphasizes intuition, creativity, and nurturing. Here’s a closer look at the attributes of each:

Natural Core Attributes of the Masculine

• Assertiveness
• Focus and direction
• Action-oriented
• Logical and analytical thinking
• Structured and disciplined
• Goal-driven and competitive
• Protective and providing
• Connected to the fire sign – intensity & passion

Natural Core Attributes of the Feminine 

• Nurturing and empathetic
• Creative and intuitive
• Receptive and open
• Collaborative and community-focused
• Fluid and adaptable
• Sensual and graceful connected to nature
• Connected to the water sign – flow and ease

While these attributes often complement each other, the key is cultivating awareness of when we’re leaning into one energy versus the other and determining whether it feels natural and aligned with our authentic self.

The Healthy Masculine Man

In The Masculine in Relationship, GS Youngblood outlines three key elements of the healthy masculine:

1. Respond vs. React: A reactive man tends to deflect, withdraw, or become defensive when faced with challenges. In contrast, a responsive man stays calm, grounded, and present. He listens attentively, processes information thoughtfully, and engages constructively, ensuring his actions are guided by intention rather than emotion.

Reactive behaviors often originate from unresolved trauma, such as childhood wounds, cultural conditioning, or the pain of failed relationships. These behavior patterns show up  particularly in environments dominated by enabling and control. These environments stifle individuality and shut down personal growth.. In such settings, the individual who is controlled or overly enabled feels unseen, unheard, and dismissed, leaving him disconnected from his sense of self. Healing these wounds is vital for fostering a healthy, balanced masculine presence.

2. Provide Structure: A healthy man reduces uncertainty and creates clarity. In personal relationships, this might mean offering clear options, planning the future, or establishing boundaries. Women, often overwhelmed by multitasking and emotional processing, deeply appreciate this sense of structure. It’s not about control but about providing a steady foundation for collaboration and growth.

A woman in her healthy feminine energy longs to “fall” into the safety of a masculine presence. When a man provides structure, she can let go, knowing she’s supported. This dynamic allows her to thrive in her creativity and intuition. A woman who feels a man’s certainty and security, feels the peace in her heart allowing her feminine to shine through to offer support and encouragement for her man.

3. Create Safety: Safety—whether financial, physical, or emotional—is a cornerstone of the healthy masculine. Financial safety doesn’t mean a man must be the sole provider or make more money, rather it’s about the man actively contributing to and engaging intentionally to shared financial values and goals. He is an active participant in achieving the vision of the union. Physical safety involves using his strength and awareness to protect his partner and those around him. Emotional safety is about holding space for her feelings without judgment or fear. Emotional safety is particularly transformative. A man who can guide a woman back to her heart space with honesty and intention towards her—where she feels authentic, connected, and nurtured—creates a foundation for profound intimacy and trust.

The Challenges of Imbalance

When the balance scales tip and men operate predominantly in their feminine energy, they struggle with setting and respecting boundaries, decision-making, self awareness, they most oftentimes tend to have issues with making and/or keeping honest commitments and providing stability. This imbalance shows up in several ways:

• Being perceived as “too soft” or indecisive
• Avoiding conflict, responsibility or accountability for their actions
• The video does not match the audio – saying one thing and not following through with action
• Lacking the confidence to lead with integrity and make honest commitments 
• Lacking the ability to be honest with himself and others
• Having trouble trusting himself and others
• Falling into people-pleasing behaviors or distractions such as workaholism or seeking comfort in addictive tendencies such as alcohol, drugs, sex…using women as a form of entertainment and/or distraction to avoid the pain of dealing with emotional struggles.
• Seeking connection but feeling threatened by a strong, self-aware woman who operates in her healthy feminine energy. Such a woman may recognize his potential and encourage his growth, but his insecurities and fear of redefining his identity often lead him to retreat.
• Struggling to envision or embrace a healthier, more courageous version of himself, hindered by fear of the unknown or an unwillingness to confront it. This resistance ultimately blocks his journey toward healing, personal growth, and the fulfillment of a deeply enriched and meaningful life.

On the flip side…an overemphasis on masculine energy in men can create imbalances that impact their emotional well-being, relationships, and overall quality of life. Some of the common ways this manifests for men include:

• Feeling compelled to hide their emotions, viewing vulnerability as a weakness. This can lead to bottled-up feelings, increased stress, and difficulty processing emotional experiences.
• A constant drive to dominate or “win” in every situation, whether in work, relationships, or social settings.
• Prioritizing career success or financial status above personal relationships, self-care, or emotional health, leading to burnout and isolation.
• An unwillingness to adapt, compromise, or explore alternative perspectives, which can create conflict in relationships and hinder personal growth. 
• Placing excessive importance on personal image, status, or validation from others, often at the expense of authentic connections.
• Struggles with effective communication, or expressing affection can make it hard to form deep, meaningful bonds with partners, friends, or family.
• Being arrogantly confident as opposed to being humbly confident. An over-reliance on power or dominance to navigate challenges.  The need to intimidate or control.
• Reluctance to engage in self-reflection or personal growth, often out of fear of confronting unresolved emotional wounds or perceived “weaknesses.” 
• A belief that self-reliance is the only acceptable path, leading to isolation and the rejection of support systems. He would rather be right than happy.
• Struggling to harmonize the demands of being a provider, protector, or leader with emotional availability and nurturing roles, leading to inner tension and relationship strain.

The Benefits of Balance

A man balanced in his masculine and feminine energies is:

• Emotionally Intelligent: He recognizes and processes his emotions while empathizing with others.
• Relationally Fulfilled: He blends emotional availability with leadership, fostering mutual respect and trust.
• An Effective Leader: He inspires others through confidence and collaboration.
• Authentic: He’s secure in his identity and doesn’t feel pressured to conform to societal norms.
• Attractive: His balance of strength and approachability creates a magnetic presence.
• Integrity driven: he holds the quality of being honest, consistent, and adhering to strong moral and ethical principles, even when it’s challenging or inconvenient.
• Value driven: consistently aligning his actions, decisions, and priorities with his core beliefs and principles. He uses his values as a compass to guide his behavior, relationships, and life choices, ensuring that they reflect what truly matters to him.

Integration: The Dance Between the Masculine and Feminine

True polarity between the masculine and feminine creates an electric dynamic that fuels relationships. For instance, a woman in her healthy feminine energy yearns for a man who embodies healthy masculinity. This doesn’t mean rigid gender roles—it’s about mutual respect and understanding. It’s about coming from a place of curiosity as opposed to control.

When a man is balanced in his masculine and feminine energies, he gains the capacity to fully integrate his life with a woman. This balance fosters honesty, authenticity, integrity and togetherness for a unified relationship and brings amazing benefits to his personal growth, health, emotional well-being, and overall life satisfaction. The result is like pieces of a puzzle coming together  to create a picture portraying a harmonious partnership where both individuals support and complement each other while maintaining their individuality. Key benefits of integration include:

• Emotional Support and Intimacy: A woman can provide emotional understanding, empathy, and encouragement, fostering a safe space for vulnerability and emotional growth.Shared intimacy promotes a sense of belonging.
• Balanced Perspective: Women often bring unique perspectives and approaches to problem-solving, communication, and decision-making to view situations more holistically. Encourages emotional intelligence and a deeper understanding of diverse viewpoints.
• Growth and Accountability: A committed partnership motivates both individuals to grow, evolve, and work toward shared and individual goals. Women often act as mirrors, helping men recognize their strengths and areas for improvement, fostering self-awareness.
• Companionship and Shared Joy: The joy of shared experiences, whether in celebrations, travel, or daily routines, enriches both lives.
• Enhanced Communication Skills: Building a healthy partnership with a woman often requires developing open, honest, and empathetic communication, which benefits all areas of life. Learning to navigate disagreements and resolve conflicts can improve emotional resilience and understanding.
• Complementary Strengths: A woman’s strengths can complement a man’s, creating a dynamic partnership where each individual brings unique qualities to enhance the relationship. This collaboration can improve problem-solving, household management, parenting, and professional endeavors.
• Deeper Sense of Purpose: Building a life together often involves shared values, such as creating a family, pursuing mutual passions, or supporting each other’s dreams, giving life a richer sense of meaning and direction.
• Health Benefits: A loving partner often encourages healthier habits, such as better eating, exercise, and work-life balance.
• Legacy and Continuity: A shared life allows for the creation of a legacy, whether through raising children, contributing to community projects, or supporting each other’s personal missions.
• Greater Capacity for Love and Compassion: Integrating life with a woman helps expand a man’s ability to give and receive love, fostering compassion, patience, and understanding that can extend to other areas of his life.

A healthy, integrated relationship is built on mutual respect, trust, vulnerability, empathy and shared values. When approached with intention and balance, it can bring profound fulfillment, encouraging both partners to bring out the best versions of themselves.

From Lost to Found: The Path Back to Healthy Masculinity

Balancing masculine and feminine energies isn’t about leaning into stereotypes or societal expectations. It’s about understanding and integrating these complementary forces within ourselves. When we strive for  this balance, we become more authentic, connected, and fulfilled—capable of thriving in both our personal and professional lives.

The journey to balance begins with awareness. Recognize which energies dominate your life and reflect on whether they serve you. 

Action steps to take to balance out these energies include:

1. Practice Mindfulness: Spend 5-10 minutes daily reflecting on your thoughts and emotions.
2. Set Clear Goals: Create a plan for your personal and professional life.
3. Express Feelings: Talk openly with trusted friends or journal your emotions.
4. Engage in Creative Activities: Try art, music, or writing to explore your intuition.
5. Take Responsibility: Own your actions and decisions without blaming others.
6. Prioritize Self-Care: Exercise, eat well, and rest to maintain balance.
7. Communicate Clearly: Be honest about your intentions and needs in relationships.
8. Spend Time in Nature: Connect with the outdoors to ground yourself.
9. Build Trust: Align your words and actions consistently.
10. Seek Growth: Read, attend workshops, or find a mentor or therapist to develop self-awareness.

In a world where the concept of healthy masculine energy is fading, it’s more important than ever to recognize and support its role in society. Start with one or two steps and build from there!